She Who Knows Not of Life

Screech! The sound of the airplane landing rings in my ear as I lay here on my side not knowing what to write. Ever since returning from my study abroad semester in the wonderful city of Seoul, my sleeping schedule has flipped knowing only of that time zone. I cannot blame the city. It has been two months already, so I know that it is not even jet lag anymore. This is just simply who I am, a college student in her last year trying to manage her life. I plan to move Korea as soon as I graduate, but it simply cannot be done yet because I am still here. Here as in school, trying to finish school with all this stress building up. Now there is only one question that keeps repeating itself over and over again in my head. Will I ever get to the point of passing all this stress to get what I want in life, or simply what is to become of life after college?

I am typing quietly so I do not wake anyone up at the keys a quarter till two as I think of ideas in my head while “Butterfly” by Sogyumo Acacia Band plays in the background on loop. It is from a Korean TV drama that I have recently fallen in love with called “Age of Youth.” This drama seems so relatable as it is about five college girls who are roommates and each of them has their own story to tell.

Being a college student always comes with the description of being broke. I could not agree more. So while being a busy body trying to study, do homework, and basically excel, I have a part-time job. I am a cashier at a grocery market and it is not very fun. It gets very repetitive and having to deal with cranky customers who give you attitude does not make my day any better. I might sound like a completely unreasonable person right now because I am the person who should make them happy because I am the last person they see, but I do try. Some people just live to make you feel worse, but I cannot completely blame them because who knows who else ruined their day? Working a few hours a week should not be that bad, but I am trying my best to save up for a winter break trip across the vast Pacific Ocean to Tokyo and Seoul again. The withdrawals of Seoul are still going strong. The withdrawals of Seoul feel like a girl in love. The butterflies are still fluttering in my stomach and basically my mind and soul are still there while my body is here. So, I figured I needed to go back. In order for that to happen, I have to work at least thirty horrendous hours per week. It is only ten measly hours away from a full time position and I am in complete awe to how I am managing all this.

Not only do I manage school and a job, I am also a gym person. I try to go every day for at least an hour or two. The gym takes away the stress that builds up. The gym is a happy place for me and it keeps me focused on working out alone without having to worry about the stressed-filled schoolwork and crazy long lines of carts waiting to be checked out.

As I am typing away, I am realizing that the only time I have for schoolwork is after midnight. It is dead silent right now other than my low breathing, my fingers on the keyboard, and the shuffle of music on YouTube. Even as I write this paper, I am feeling stress. I am feeling the responsibilities of having to do what I must to achieve an “easier” life. What I want at the end of this zigzag road will not come easy and I really did not know what I had to do to achieve it. I did not know what each year would entail. I never thought that I would go to Korea so soon. America is where I was born, but I am of Asian descent. The lifestyle in Korea would not ask for too much change and my heart has already been left there after this past summer. I did not know I would be a senior already, I did not know I would get into gym-ing, and I basically had no idea I would be writing about my stress as a college student. Who knew?

Why am I so stressed? A college student has it easy compared to an adult, they say. You do not have mortgage to pay for and you do not have as many bills to pay, they say. School keeps you busy. It sure does, super busy to the point where I sometimes forget to eat. So what is life to become after college? I really do not know myself, but I do know what I have planned and I will stick to that route. I will travel the world somebody flying from one country to another to teach English and freelance write about my never-ending adventures, but first, I will return to where I have planted my heart and “Seoul.”. So to any upcoming college freshmen or just anyone, life is not easy. Nobody ever said it would be. So as cliché as it can get, if you fall, pick yourself back up. Even if you fall into what you think is the deepest pit, there is always a deeper one that you can escape from if you stand back up. So do not fret, live life even if you are not really sure at all what it is.