What Do I Do Now?

This college story is one of a forty-seven year old first generation college student. I try to convince myself that my college experience is just like everyone else’s. It is not. I tell myself I am just like any normal student; only I am decades older than my peers. When I was working as a highly successful hairdresser in New York City I would dream of what it would be like to go to college. I did not go a to university because it was not a requirement of my chosen trade. When I left New York I had decided that if I had to start completely over, I’d go to college and get a degree along with my fresh start.  I visualized college as a place to meet like-minded people. I created an illusion for myself as to what my experience might be like. Little did I know my dream would not match my reality. I had a vision of being some modern version of Rita in the 1983 film “Educating Rita.” Rita was a hairdresser and 27 years old that wanted a better life for herself, and didn’t feel as though she was intellectual enough to be in college, but with the help of her very eccentric professor she became more like the other students. I fantasized that I would somehow fit in with the other students like Rita did, even though I’m older. I wanted my opinions and thoughts to matter to other students, but that hasn’t been the case.

Students’ eyes follow me when I walk into a classroom. They usually avert their attention to the floor immediately after seeing me. A blanket of awkward silence falls over the room. This is the time that I summon my super power, invisibility, when I take my seat among the others. I look around at all the fresh-faced students and envy their ability to make friends and relate to one another. I wonder if they realize what it is like to be alone and navigating the rigors college. I thank God for technology; I feel that somehow my iPhone can save me from feeling like a complete outsider. I disappear into social media to escape the room. I try to remind myself repeatedly that my struggles with college will be merited in the end. I am a media studies major and hope to find a fulfilling career in that field. I don’t know what that is yet.

I am an outsider but I am just like the other students in one way; I’m going into debt. I tell myself everyone in college has debt. My debt is already mounting up to the tune of a new car, one I won’t likely be driving after graduation. I remind myself that I have to try to be intelligent about my debt. I don’t want to be overly burdened when I’m almost fifty getting out of college. I only take out loans to cover my immediate needs.  I don’t, unlike my peers, have my whole life ahead of me to pay off my student loans. The fear of failure haunts me. It is always lurking and prowling around me like a shadow in an alley. Sometimes I find myself lost in a daydream about the life I left behind in New York. I didn’t have to think about my career I was good at it. I worked at major salons in New York City, I did hair for fashion shows during fashion week, I worked with photographers and at one point had my own hair salon in Brooklyn. Then I got divorced and financially found it impossible to stay in one of the most expensive cities in the world. I remember the days I contemplated and longed for other careers. I realized I wasn’t qualified for anything without a degree. No connections I had accumulated in life could give me my degree. So, I push forward every day and tell myself it will all work out. I persevere and I keep going. I know I will accomplish my goal soon enough.

I worry that I will be overlooked because of my age when I search for employment after college in the media field. I know what it is like to be one of the fresh-faced and hungry people. They are young and anxious to pursue a career. I alone motivate myself. There are no people my age in any of my classes and the average non-traditional student is at least twenty years younger than I am. I tell myself I have volumes of experience that the other students do not have. I ponder the idea of trying to get an internship were I can make connections and interact with people within the field of media. I just need to get my foot in the door. I wonder what it will be like when I arrive. I’m already as old or older than most of my professors. College is a stressful place when you feel like you don’t belong anywhere.

It is stressful when I realize my digital skills are lacking, and that compared to my peers, I am an illiterate when it comes to technology. I did not grow up with technology and it wasn’t important for me to know technology in my previous career. The millennials I am in class with were born using technology. I feel frustrated over minor things that the rest of the student body takes for granted. It takes me hours to do tasks on a computer that takes them minutes. The sole responsibility of learning everything falls squarely on my weary shoulders. I don’t have the luxury of other peers when I need help. I don’t meet students my own age and activities for non-traditional students still aren’t geared towards someone my age. College is stressful every day.

I want to crawl into a hole and burrow like a woodchuck when there are group assignments. Somehow my age usually makes me the last person left when picking partners or groups. The unlucky team gets me. Some days I feel like I am walking through quicksand in wet pants. My college story will not end for another three semesters. Until then I will persevere, tell myself everything is going to work out. I hope to become like Rita. Accepted to some degree by my peers.