Stages of Grief When Losing a Child

Timothy Shum lost his son, Dave, to suicide many years ago. Shum is now the chapter leader of the Milwaukee branch of The Compassionate Friends, a worldwide organization for peer support groups to deal with the loss of a child. However, it took Shum time to end up in this leader position due to the grieving process. He shares the stages of grief when losing a child to parents in the Milwaukee area.

At meetings, Shum says the group begins with introductions and sometimes does not make it past them because people have so much to share about their child that passed. If they do get through introductions, Shum asks the group questions to lead the conversation. Shum believes creating a community to share grief can be a big part of the healing process for some.

Shum shared one of the best things he was told about grief is, “You never get over it. You only get through it.”

Shum details the grieving process for parents when it comes to losing a child in steps.

The first one: “tell your story.” Shum believes that when people tell their story and continue to tell it, it becomes easier to talk about, moving the grieving process along.

The next step is: “Remember you’re not going crazy.” Shum explained that with all the emotions a newly bereaved parent can feel, they may feel crazy. He stresses the importance of these emotions being normal, but to make sure that parents reach out for help if they need it.

Another step is: “Find a compassionate friend or group to tell your story to.” Finding someone who will listen to stories and be patient is important in the grieving process.

“Forgive yourself” is another step Shum names. There is a lot of guilt surrounding the death of a child, especially in cases of suicide. He said, eventually, you have to forgive yourself because you did not do it, you are not responsible for it, and there was only one person who did it. He explained that his one can take some time.

The last step: “Give back to others and do something to help with the grief.” He mentioned speaking at groups and in different settings is something that helped him a lot with his grieving process. 

Shum explains that working through the loss is incredibly hard and complicated. It can be very intense and hit at odd times. He stresses that grief does not have a timeline and is very up and down.

The Compassionate Friends Milwaukee branch meets at the Oak Creek Community Center on the first Thursday of each month at 6:30 pm.

Shum shares the motto of The Compassionate Friends, “We need not walk alone. We are the compassionate friends.”