Dating Advice from a 23-year-old

Love-story short, I dated my high school sweetheart for seven years and it’s been a wild ride since we broke up six months ago. We started dating freshman year of highschool, went to two separate colleges our freshman and sophomore year together, I moved to milwaukee, a year later we moved in together and got a dog together and shortly after that we broke up. Of course, there’s more to the relationship than a short list of events, but nonetheless, it left me in my early 20s having no idea how to date and being dropped into the feeding frenzy of post-quarante.

Let’s set the scene for where I was when we broke up: over it.

The break up was not a surprise for me and if anything, I had been mentally preparing for it to happen months before it ever did. With that being said, three days after the break up I decided to give myself exposure therapy and get access to all of Milwaukee’s single men from the comfort of my couch. Oh yes- I went straight to Hinge. And MY GOD, it was a beautiful and messy experience. I got to know what my type was, I retrained myself into thinking that it was okay to flirt with other people after not being able to for the past seven years and I, most importantly, decided what I didn’t like.

That’s my first piece of advice: figure out what your red flags are.

My second piece of advice, and what I think is most important after a long-term break up, is to take your time.

Take a moment for yourself. Don’t even consider dating anyone. I told myself that I have a year of being single, uncomfortable and figuring my shit out. And that’s what I am doing. Turns out I love going to clubs to dance with my friends- I had never done that before. Sitting in the park drinking wine with friends until midnight is also a must, going to your 27 year old friends sporting events to cheer them on with cheap beer is good for your soul, fill your apartment with friends every Wednesday night for pasta night and call your mom often.

My third piece of advice is Marie Kondo your shit.

I mean it. Before I moved from our two-bedroom into my now one-bedroom, I went through ALL of my things. If it brought me joy and I had used it within the past 6 months, it stayed. All the rest of it became a shopping center for my friends and then either made it to a thrift store or the dumpster. I at the LEAST took out seventeen trashbags of things that I no longer wanted or needed. Do I still have an incredible amount of things? Absolutely. But I was able to get rid of the things that felt as though they were weighing me down.

My fourth piece of advice: Create your own closure.

To be rash, this was the hardest one that I had to learn. Unfortunately, you are not going to be on the same page as your ex-partner after your break up and you cannot expect anything from them. For example, I was thinking that we were going to have a very civil break up and would eventually be friends again. Lol. We dated for seven years and the most that we have really talked about it is when he drunk texts me. Because of this, I learned that I had to move on without him and not wait for him to reach out to me to give me closure- which is the best thing you can do for yourself- not wait.

I did, however, keep a memento for my final piece of closure. I kept a notebook over the past few years where I would write him notes and he would occasionally write back. Its in a drawer somewhere and I will either lose it, or find it someday to write one final note before it either meets its fate in drawing, a fire or joins the rest of my things in the dumpster.

Okay- time for the lightning round.

1. Delete them on social media when you’re ready, not when you’re mad. You’re going to look like an idiot if you keep re-following.
2. Do the things that freak you out.
   You will be terrified all the time. Everything is new to you, everything seems messy and scary – embrace it and run with it. It’s good for you.
3. Don’t settle.
   I know I said I wasn’t going to seriously consider a relationship for another year- and I stand by that. However, that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t have fun in the meantime. Your natural reaction to a relationship is going to go with what’s comfortable and safe, because that is what you’re used to, but you’re never going to learn anything from it. Do things that terrify you.
4. Laugh it off.
   Things are going to get messy as you’re stumbling through everything. Laugh it off as you learn.
5. You’re going to find the friends you can count on.
   Create a community for yourself. You lost your constant, so find people you can trust and lean on.
6. You can occasionally shit on him for how bad he looks now. It’s brutal, I know, but it is a hell of a lot of fun.
7. Buy yourself a new wardrobe.
   I took a long hard look at my closet and realized I couldn’t go to clubs in

grandma sweaters. So, I got real comfortable with wearing half the amount of cotton I normally do.

8. Do whatever you want.
Seriously, you’ve spent god knows how much time compromising with someone and doing what they want all the time. Be selfish. Be very, very selfish.