6 Tips On How NOT To Rape People

With so many recent allegations against celebrities like Kevin Spacey and Harvey Weinstein sexually assaulting, exposing themselves to, and intimidating women for sexual favors, it has become clear that society needs another reminder on how not to sexually assault somebody. The fact that this is something that needs to be talked about at all still blows my mind, but with a president who openly talks about grabbing women by their genitals and forcing his gross, thin, orange lips on them, this honestly shouldn’t come as a surprise anymore. However, since our so-called “leader” is only going to contribute to the rape-culture in America, I feel it is my duty to present yet another list of ways you can avoid raping people. It’s pretty straight-forward.

6. If you come across somebody who is asleep, don’t rape them.

When somebody is asleep, whether drunkenly passed out or just sleeping soundly, don’t rape them. It’s simple really – just don’t do it. Would you like to be raped while you are enjoying a good sleep? Doubtful. If you think that what you are doing would make you uncomfortable while sleeping or awake, then don’t do it. I know that big “C” word is difficult for many people to grasp, but if somebody can’t consent, then just don’t fucking rape them. Also, in case this still isn’t clear, groping women in flak jackets while they sleep is also considered sexual assault, so don’t be a pervy creep like Al Franken.

5. If somebody says they don’t want to have sex with you, don’t have sex with them.

If somebody doesn’t explicitly say “yes, I’d like to have sex with you,” or even if they did say that and then later change their mind, then don’t have sex with them. If your feelings are hurt because you were rejected, then do what the rest of us non-raping adults do – go home, pity yourself a little, suck it up and don’t rape anyone. The cool thing about being a human being is that we have the freewill to change our minds. Sex isn’t a legally binding contract; just because somebody made you think you sealed the deal doesn’t mean you actually did. Nobody owes you anything, so don’t be an egocentric piece of shit and assume that they do.

4. If you feel like you might rape somebody, make sure everyone around you knows.

You know how women are told to keep a rape whistle on them (for “protection”) instead of society actually addressing the problem of rape culture and trying to put a stop to it? I suggest we reverse the rolls a little. Instead of women carrying rape whistles and hoping somebody comes to their rescue when they blow it, rapists should carry the whistle instead. If you feel a rape-ish urge coming on, then blow the shit out of that whistle. Make sure everyone around you knows that you are considering raping somebody so that they can all take the proper precautions to protect themselves and avoid being raped. That way, everyone in the area will know you are a disgusting piece of rapist garbage and nobody gets hurt. It’s a win-win!

3. If you feel like what you are doing is rape, then it is probably rape.

If what you are doing, or thinking about doing, feels absolutely rapey in any way shape or form, then it is rape. This one is pretty self-explanatory. Are you making somebody uncomfortable with your actions? Are you touching somebody, breathing on somebody, too close to somebody, or doing anything else that you would absolutely not want somebody doing to you? Then don’t fucking do it. Sexual assault and rape come in many different forms, so if you think that what you are doing could fall under any of the many categories of assault, then stop and punch yourself in the face repeatedly until the police arrive to arrest you.

2. Don’t talk about rape and sexual assault like you talk about the weather – it’s not fucking cool.

It has come to my attention that some people seem to think sexual assault is a nonchalant subject, and talk about it as though one was chatting about the weather or the latest football game. Uhm, f*ck no, that’s not how it works. Women’s bodies don’t just “shut that whole thing down,” when they are raped, nor should anybody just “relax and enjoy it” if they think the assault is inevitable. Rape victims shouldn’t be told to “make the best of a bad situation.”

This is just a fraction of the sick shit politicians, lawmakers and other people in power say about rape and sexual assault victims, so let me just reiterate my point one last time … don’t talk about rape like it’s something that just happens. You are perpetuating rape culture by doing so and you are absolutely the reason why the human race is failing.

1. Here’s an idea – just don’t rape people!

Don’t jump out at people from dark alleys. Don’t have sex with an unconscious person. Don’t crawl through people’s windows and assault them in their beds. Don’t assume that you are owed any sort of sexual favor just because you wined and dined somebody, or spent a lot of time trying to get them to have sex with you. You are not special, you are not powerful, and you do not get to ruin somebody else’s life because your shitty fucking ego needs to be stroked. If more people would remember that, the world will be a much better, less terrifying place for everybody.

And in case this list wasn’t clear enough, here is a video about tea to help explain consent. It’s something you need in order to have sex with someone.