Restorative Practices Enhance the Lives of Youth and the Community

It’s field trip day! Students anxiously await the limited days they get to spend away from the classroom. Little do they know, they are still going to be learning valuable lessons at the Peace Learning Center.  

Tracy Ebert is the executive director of the Peace Learning Center. First through eighth grade students from Milwaukee Public Schools come to a day long workshop to learn about restorative practices and non-violent conflict resolution. 

The workshop begins with team building activities where the students learn about themselves and each other and how they communicate with one another, or how they don’t communicate well with one another. They have to work together to solve challenges.

Then, they teach students very specific communication tools for handling any type of conflict. 

“We know that conflict is a natural part of life,” said Ebert. “We’re not all going to get along all the time and conflict in many peoples’ eyes is a bad thing, but conflict isn’t bad. Conflict is natural and we have to learn to accept conflict and find ways to move through it in healthy ways rather than violent ways.”

People have many different patterns of behavior around conflict and many of which are not healthy, according to Ebert. The Peace Learning Center teaches young people how to resolve conflict without resorting to violence. 

One of the tools that they teach for non-violent conflict resolution is an “I message,” which is an I statement. 

To say and “I message,” they start by using the person’s name. Then they say, “I feel” and insert an emotion. For example, “I feel angry.” Then, they say what they did and what they want in the future. For example, “I feel angry when you don’t put your dishes in the dishwasher, and I’d like you to put your dishes in the dishwasher every time you are done eating.”

The formula they use to teach kids looks like this. I feel ___ when you___and I ___ ____.

Ebert said this helps students express themselves without violence. She added that the purpose is not to make someone do something, instead it lets them decide on their own and does not promise they are going to follow through on what was asked.  

A lesson they teach at the Peace Learning Center is that one can’t control other people, one can only control themselves.

“The only thing controlled by you, is what you say and what you do,” said Ebert, she uses this statement to teach students. 

Ebert said that anyone can start moving toward peace, and is capable of being a peacemaker. It often starts with one and grows from there.

If a student chooses to use an “I message,” they are choosing a peaceful way to resolve a conflict. 

After the “I message” they teach the students how to respond by using a rephrase to show that the other person is actually listening to what they said.

First they say the other person’s name, then they ask, “Are you saying _____?” and they say back to that person what they said in the “I message.” 

For example, “Are you saying that you feel angry when I don’t put my dishes in the dishwasher and you would like me to put my dishes away in the dishwasher as soon as I’m done eating.”

While it may sound like a simple tool, just saying back to the person what they said to you shows that you heard them and it can de-escalate a conflict. 

This is a good tool for kids to use when kids are bullying them or gossiping about them, which tends to be a chronic issue in schools, according to Ebert.

If they say back to somebody what they have heard, it lets the person know, they are hearing, but not necessarily agreeing, said Ebert.

“Just letting somebody know you’ve heard them is a really powerful thing,” said Ebert. 

Ebert has a relative with mental health struggles that often result in anger and rage. Ebert rephrases her multiple times, until she feels she has been heard, then she calms down. Ebert says that sometimes the rephrase helps her relative understand herself.

Ebert said that many people are taught to avoid conflict and just change the topic of the conversation; she noted that the conflict doesn’t go away. Instead, the problem sits under the surface and can explode with the next comment that might be critical or judgemental.

“If we don’t resolve our conflicts they don’t disappear and we have to learn to resolve them in healthy ways so that we can move forward,” said Ebert.

Ebert said that telling students not to be violent is not beneficial. The need to be given tools or directions on how to solve problems in a healthy way.

After the workshop, a facilitator from the Peace Learning Center goes to the school three times for each class, usually in once a month intervals, to do a booster session.

Students and teachers take surveys to assess if the program was beneficial.

In the student survey, 97% of students say they have learned something they will use in their life, according to Ebert.

“I hope that every student who attends the Peace Learning Center really takes away that they have the power to make peace and to choose peace in their own lives for themselves,” said Ebert.

Pastor Carol Hegland works in the community using restorative practices in different settings. 

She used to work with restorative practices in criminal justice. She used a restorative process called Community Conference where two facilitators along with the offender, the victim and two to three community members would meet. The community members were there because she said anytime a crime occurs it doesn’t just impact one person, it impacts the community. 

The offender and the victim are both asked to describe what the experience was like and what the crime was. Then, they spend most of the conference time reflecting on the impact, their  feelings and thoughts at the time, and what they have thought about since. They also consider who has been affected by what the offender did and who had been affected by the victims experience. 

“The end goal of any restorative process in any context is, if there has been harm, how can it be repaired,” said Hegland.

They often come to a creative resolution, like writing a letter or a reflective piece.  

Hegland is also trained in circle processes. She helps people talk to each other about difficult subjects. She said she recently has helped congregations who have gone through conflict to get back on track. 

One of the most impactful experiences she has had with restorative practices was during a Community Conference. The individual  who was a victim, had his house broken into by neighbors. He felt bothered because he had a little brother who lived with him and luckily he wasn’t there that night because the experience would have been traumatizing for him. 

The victim was also a security guard, so he carried a weapon with him and if the robbery would have taken place while he was there he might have pulled his weapon and hurt someone. 

He felt his life was disrupted and that he had to move, even though he had lived in that house for many years. 

They completed the conference and it went alright. The victim got to say what he was feeling, but Hegland said it could have gone better.

Years later, Hegland ran into the victim and he said that he didn’t think he would ever see her again and he wanted to thank her. 

He said the conference was a good thing for him. The more he thought about it, the more he felt better. The neighbor kids and other families in his neighborhood tried to extend themselves to him and one of the young men who broke in even apologized.

The victim now feels a lot safer in the neighborhood and didn’t end up moving.

He said he felt supported by the community members in the conference and it helped him to be heard by them. He said he even sees the offenders in the street now and they nod and greet him.  

Hegland said that conference taught her a lot about restorative processes. She said that one doesn’t always get to see the initial result, but the experience often stays with people. 

When asked one thing to sum up her experiences with restorative practices, Hegland gave her motto. 

“Everybody has a story that needs to be heard,” said Hegland.