An Impossible View: Music Kept Me Company on a Lonely Journey during COVID-19

Warning: This article deals with topics that may be triggering including suicide and depression. If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health issues, it is important to reach out to loved ones or consider scheduling an appointment with a therapist near you.

In May 2020, I was admitted to a psychiatric ward for feelings of depression and the ideation of suicide. The admission process resulted from a lifetime of anxiety and depression left unchecked by doctors and unknown to those around me, and even myself.

After numerous sleepless nights of seemingly random panic attacks, my mother was the one to take notice and take me to the hospital. From there, I entered the cold waiting room – alone. Covid had removed the ability for my mother to follow me.

As I got set up in the room, a nurse came in and asked what brought me in. I explained to her the nights of pure terror that had been keeping me awake. I explained to her that deep down, I knew this terror was not real, but could not shake it. After explaining this, she asked her final question which would lead to me being admitted to the facility.

“Have you had any feelings of committing suicide?”

I answered yes and immediately tears started rushing down my face. She acknowledged the issue and told me she was going to get a doctor. He explained to me that it might be best to admit me to the psychiatric ward upstairs.

I called my mom and told her that I would not be leaving the hospital today as they would be admitting me for observation to ensure I was safe. I could hear her crying on the other side of the phone. Later, I missed a call from my dad as they were asking me more questions, he understood and just wanted me to be safe.

As I got in the wheelchair to go up to the psych ward, I couldn’t help but feel like this was the lowest point my life would ever get.

The first thing they do when you enter the psych ward is check for any items on your person that could harm you. The strings of my hoodies and the laces of my shoes were taken. The room I stayed in had a bathroom in it, a mirror made from plastic and a slanted showerhead. All this to prevent me from attempting suicide.

Psychiatric hospital visits during Covid-19 were changed drastically. No longer were individuals admitted allowed to have visitors, they were confined to their rooms, and some were turned away from psychiatric units altogether according to a study published in the National Library of Medicine.

A study published by the World Health Organization found that suicidal ideation increased from 17.6% in April 2020 to 30.7% in June 2020.

Later down the line, I would come to be diagnosed with panic disorder and major depressive disorder.

Panic disorder was affecting me for quite some time, I could be doing anything from sitting on the couch alone to hanging out with friends and watching a movie, and suddenly – my heart would start beating quickly and my breathing would become quicker.

Panic disorder is defined by the National Institute of Mental Health as, “an anxiety disorder characterized by unexpected and repeated episodes of intense fear accompanied by physical symptoms that may include chest pain, heart palpitations, shortness of breath, dizziness, or abdominal distress.”

The difference between panic disorder and a normal panic attack is that there is no root cause of panic disorder, they occur out of the blue and without warning.

An old man walked into my room; he was a regular according to the nurse. He spoke gently, telling me that whatever I was in there for would pass.

I was given some medication to ease my nerves and slept through the night. That night, I slept surprisingly well, given the situation I was in.

The next morning, I was given some more medication and was taken to a meeting with the resident psychiatrist. He asked me numerous questions about myself and what brought me to the facility. I explained to him the nights of panic and terror that had been troubling me.

From there, he explained the details of panic disorder and major depressive disorder.

The DSM-5 lists the following criteria for a panic disorder diagnosis: frequent and unexpected panic attacks, fear of having another panic attack and avoidance of places that may trigger one and lastly, the panic attacks can’t be triggered by substance use.

I checked all these boxes. My psychiatrist asked a couple more questions about my life and then I was sent back to the living area; where I found that the old man from the previous night had been discharged.

A study published by BMC Health Studies found that admittance to psychiatric facilities decreased during the 2020 Covid-19 period.

A later study published by the National Institute of Mental Health found that male admissions to psychiatric care decreased from 71.1% to 60% and female admissions increased from 28.9% to 40%.

In the living area, I sat on the chair and watched some TV and felt it coming – a panic attack. My hands started to sweat, and my heart started beating quickly. I went to my room in hopes that it would go away.

A nurse followed me in and told me to get up. She guided me to the hallway and told me to walk laps around the unit and tap my fingers together as I did so. The nurse told me that one way we can combat a panic attack is to distract our brain by doing two things at once.

Walking through the hallway, I couldn’t help but sing the chorus of “Me & My Dog” by Boygenius. “I wish I was on a spaceship, just me and my dog and an impossible view.”

I sang that chorus what felt like a hundred times during my stay in a psychiatric facility. Just wishing to be anywhere else at that moment, somewhere with a view of something other than the beige-painted walls with handrails sticking out of them.

A study published in PLOS ONE determined that music is an effective way of combatting feelings of anxiety and stress. Researchers found that listening to music or even humming a tune can reduce the physiological response from a panic attack.

Investigations found that listening to music reduces the perceived levels of psychological stress, increases coping abilities, and alters levels of perceived relaxation.

As the panic attack subsided, I continued back to the living area and flicked through the television, watched some movies, and spoke with the nurse.

She told me of her son that was living with the same issue that was about my age and what he was going through.

According to a study published by the National Institute of Health, approximately 2.3% of all adolescents have been diagnosed with panic disorder. 44.9% of those individuals stated the impairment caused by panic disorder was severe.

I continued flicking through the channels before being given some more medication to help me sleep through the night.

In the morning, another meeting with my psychiatrist awaited. We discussed my discharge from the facility as he believed that I was no longer a danger to myself.

We went over the medication that I would need to take and a treatment plan of what my life would look like once I was released.

Treatment for panic disorder includes medication and a special form of therapy called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).

CBT works by restructuring the way in which people think during their panic attacks. Patients work with a therapist to recognize their thoughts and turn them from irrational to rational ones.

We both agreed to the treatment plan, and he told me that I would be released later that morning.

Readmission to a psychiatric facility has been found to be as high as 30% in the first year of release.

I was given back my shoelaces and piercings and relaced my shoes before heading outside to greet my mom. From there, I queued up “Me & My Dog” on the car speaker and we drove to get some food. Now, whenever I get feelings of intense sadness, that song is the first one to be played.

To this day, I’m still not “cured” of my mental health issues. There are bad days, there are good. Thankfully, I know that after hitting the lowest point, it’s all uphill from there. I have my treatment plan now to this day.

I’ve worked for the past three years to reshape the way I think about my feelings of panic. I’ve turned them from feelings of intense dread to “Oh gosh, this again” and most days, I’m able to swat those thoughts away like a pesky fly.

I don’t have a dog like Boygenius sings about in their song, but I do have a cat – and the view from the other side of the psychiatric facility has never been more beautiful.