Just Look Up!

Sitting with 11 girls sipping mojitos at Capitol Square, I felt alone. Why? Because everyone was content smiling at their crotches. And what could be so fascinating? Their fucking smartphones.

I was born in the wrong generation. I don’t have a Twitter, I learned about the Dark Net from a documentary, and I’m still not sure how to “whip” or “nae-nae.” But I am fairly confident that The Who would not write a killer jam about this generation.

Unfortunately, fellow millennials are too engulfed in their Facebook feed to realize what they’ve sacrificed for their social media fix: basic human decency.

Would you find it rude if during the middle of a conversation with a friend they began reading a book? If you’d rationally answer yes to the previous question, ponder the following: Why the hell wouldn’t it be rude to check Facebook during the same conversation? Abiding by the principle “adapt or die,” my skin has thankfully grown thick to these indecorous mores.

Far more irking is the consequence of spending more time developing your online personality than your actual personality: You’ve become boring.

Surveying drivers of various ages, Zipcar discovered millennials to be the only generation who would rather lose their car than their cellphone. Furthermore, 50 percent of our mechanically-aptituded disaffiliated generation (insult thanks to “Catch-22”) would rather “spend time” with friends online than dare to venture into the real world.

The physical absence of people online has created a culture of sub-tweeting bitches cowering behind their 5-inch screens. Next time you insult someone over Twitter, try pressing the button above your fingers and tagging the insultee. Otherwise, put down the damn phone.

Past are the days of neighborhood games like Capture the Flag and light home vandalism featuring plastic forks and toilet paper. Past are the days of skateboarding down your water slide (slide + running hose) into a pile of mud. Past are the days of making forts by the road in winter to hit cars with snowballs. Gaming consoles have replaced flags. Videogames pricing blowjobs from prostitutes at $50 flat have replaced DIY waterslides. And social media apps have replaced being chased by angry neighbors who drove by at the inopportune time.

Sure, student loan debt is over $1 trillion, two million children die annually and 20 percent of humanity has limited access to safe drinking water.

But yeah, that Lo-fi filter does totally compliment your Starbucks Green Tea Crème Frappuccino.