Move to Milwaukee (you get the coast without the hurricanes and snobs)

Move to Milwaukee. Mill-e-wah-que. Algonquin for “The Good Land,” as Alice Cooper taught us in Wayne’s World. Move to Milwaukee if you want a city with a rich history and a bright future. If you want the coastal life without all the hurricanes and snobbery. Milwaukee is tightly snugged against one of the largest bodies of freshwater in the world: the sparkling Lake Michigan.

Move to Milwaukee if you don’t mind a little cold and snow. Okay, more than a little. Sure, Milwaukee has winters that seem straight out of Game of Thrones in length and harshness, but it also has plenty to get you through the doldrums of December and beyond. You likely know about Milwaukee’s historically world-class brewing industry, and that tradition continues today with Miller, Leinenkugel and growing microbreweries like Lakefront Brewery and Milwaukee Brewing Company. All offer fantastic guided tours year-round.

Move to Milwaukee if you want a city that doesn’t take summer for granted. The winters can be daunting, but in the summer, the city comes alive. Come June, Milwaukee turns into the City of Festivals, with a summer-long series of ethnic festivals like German Fest, Irish Fest and Festa Italiana. Of course, there’s also Summerfest, the world’s largest music festival.

Better yet, move to Milwaukee if you want the feel of a big city without any of the intimidating integration. If you want metropolitan allure without all the cosmopolitan flair. Milwaukee consistently ranks atop the annual list of the most segregated cities in America, with no signs of falling behind the competition. Move to Milwaukee if you want diverse culture without all the messy diversity. If you want neighbors you can relate to. If you want them to look just like you. Milwaukee’s clearly-defined racial borders will indulge your interests, yet ensure your comfort.

Move to Milwaukee if you don’t need public schooling. Or if you want the option of public schooling but don’t want to have to throw a whole lot of money into it. Milwaukee Public Schools, Wisconsin’s largest school district, sees a smaller and smaller budget every year, taking the burden off of taxpayers and forcing it to abandon its wasteful role as Milwaukee’s last bastion of diversity. Thanks to MPS’s annual budget slashes, Milwaukee’s racial borders may grow taller and stronger in the future, all but ensuring Milwaukee’s title as number one in the nation for racial neatness.

Better still, move to Milwaukee if you want to change things. If you’re an aspiring community builder, or urban planner or wall-breaker. Milwaukee needs you. Move to Milwaukee if you want to help prevent Milwaukee from becoming its own dubious version of the Twin Cities: Milwaukee, and Otherwaukee.