The Risks of Overparenting are Damaging Your Child’s Adulthood [OPINION]

The discussion on appropriate parenting styles is fueled by opinion and instinct and must be approached delicately. While it is difficult to determine right or wrong parenting techniques because each relationship is unique, it is important to recognize the boundaries between neglect and overparenting.

Many parents are driven by the overwhelming intuition to protect, provide and do everything they can for their child, but, in these cases, too much of a good thing is the limiting factor. Recent studies by The New York Times and Morning Consult determined that an alarming number of parents continue to handle both minor and major things in their child’s lives after adulthood, according to USA Today.

The study revealed that adults whose parents remain active roles in their child’s independent roles are more likely to produce less successful results in their careers and schoolwork and less happy on average. Overparenting commonly occurs out of love and positive intentions, but the results are often reversed. In order for parents to allow their children to be successfully independent, a certain level of distance must be attained to allow the child to grow into adulthood without the preventative force of a stability net.  

After the college admissions bribery scandal earlier this year where 33 parents were charged with paying more than $25 million to allegedly illegally influence their children’s enrollment, the discussion on parental over-involvement as a damaging feature was pushed further into the public controversy, according to Time. If parents are willing to use their own assets to fraudulently support their child’s adult achievements, they are stripping their child of the tools they need to be successful on their own. This codependency will only entrap young adults into a future of insufficiency and will prohibit the ability to learn how to think and act for one’s self.

Many examples of overparenting become prevalent once a child reaches adulthood and moves away or goes to college. This is often a difficult time for both the parent and the child and parental support is usually still heavily relied upon this early as an independent adult. But statistics show that even in college, parents are remaining involved in areas that are crucial to a young adult’s growth as an individual. 

Several terms for those who over-parent have been coined including helicopter, tiger, snowplow and even lawnmower parenting. These are parents who are so heavily involved with their child’s life that there is hardly a separation between the child’s role as a dependent and as an adult. Examples of overparenting include both psychological and behavioral control, such as guiding or guilting a child into a life path or major decision, over or unwarranted reassurance, applying age or gender appropriate expectations, interjecting in individual responsibilities such as paying bills or mediating communications in relationships. Often, this dependency stems from the childhood relationship with the parent and progresses into adulthood, which prevents the child from understanding or participating fully in his or her individual role in society as an adult.  

In March, a poll released the following statistics on the involvement of parents in their adult-child’s life, according to USA Today.  

• 76% of parents reminded their adult children of deadlines they need to meet, including for schoolwork 

• 15% of parents with children in college had texted or called them to wake them up so they didn’t sleep through a class or test. 
• 16% helped write all or part of a job or internship application 
• 14% told them which career to pursue 
• 12% gave more than $500 per month for rent or daily expenses 

• 11% of parents with adult children will call their child’s employer if he or she had an issue at work. 
• 8% of parents said they had contacted a college professor or administrator about their child’s grades or a problem they were having. 

While there are always exceptional cases where more-involved parenting is required in response to health or safety concerns, overparenting in these aspects exemplified negative dependency levels and obsessive relationship dynamics between a parent and their adult child. Over supporting in financial areas, relationships and communications, course work or career planning are dangerous to a young adult’s happiness and satisfaction, according to a study from University College London. The study showed that adults whose parents were more caring rather than controlling produced higher rates of happiness and satisfaction in their adult lives, according to INC. Other effects of over-involvement in young adults include the inability to develop coping skills and more stress, anxiety and depression, according to Dr. Brinster at the APA Center.  

In order for parents to allow their children the necessary tools toward cultivating a satisfactory adult life, it is important to keep a balance between care and control. Parents who are less involved in their children’s lives do not undervalue the importance of a positive, supportive relationship. Overparenting does not mean under-caring. It simply means taking a step back and respecting the child’s natural progression as an individual, and it should be rewarding to see the successes stem from that. It should be clear that certain levels of assistance or involvement in areas that need strengthening or temporary support should not be restrained but should be differentiated between roles that can be done as an individual. Alternatives to helicopter-parenting include discussing goals with one’s child and coaching them how to take action themselves, refraining from constant communication, distancing from the child’s involvement in hobbies or responsibilities and keeping a warm, supportive relationship from a comfortable and respectful distance.  

Keeping a healthy parent-child relationship throughout childhood and adulthood is essential for the success and satisfaction of a young adult. “Our children develop wisdom through life experience,” said Dr. Bruce Kehr in his psychotherapy blog for parents. Self-sufficiency is a crucial component of adulthood and parents should dedicate their efforts to teaching their children how to attain their own individual achievements.