“It’s like I’ve forgotten how things work or how to act.”

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Lauren Tomsa is a conservation and environmental science major and an art history minor. She transferred to UW-Milwaukee for her sophomore year in Fall 2020, and lived in Sandburg’s East tower for the academic year.

Tomsa went from being a commuter at College of DuPage in Illinois for her freshman year to an online student living on campus for her sophomore year, and is now spending her junior year playing catchup and trying desperately to have a traditional college experience. Here’s what she has to say about mental health while being cooped up in Sandburg East, and making a mark on campus.

My second semester at DuPage was going awesome, I was taking classes that I loved, and then the college was like ‘So your professors are on strike, So we’re going to go on a break for a couple days because the teachers are striking.’ And then the problem was the pandemic, so it became a week-long break. And then two weeks. And then we tested out online classes for a bit, and we never went back to campus.

Lockdown in Illinois was declared on March 20, and my birthday was March 15. So, I was like, ‘I’m 19!’ and the government was like, ‘no you aren’t!’

I remember my birthday dinner with my family wasn’t actually on my birthday because my twin brother had to work, so we had to go on another day. The waitress at Lazy Dog gave us each a bit of hand sanitizer and said something like ‘I think the virus isn’t that bad, but we can’t give you the menus.’ So she held the menu up for us to look at, and didn’t give us any silverware until they brought our food out. My dessert came in a plastic to-go container, and it was terrible. I had the saddest pandemic birthday ever.

In the dorms, I lived with my best friend and another girl who was completely antisocial. She moved home after that semester, but I still check in with her every once in a while, making sure she’s doing okay. In Spring 2021, after she had gone home, my other friend from high school moved in with us and we still all live together off-campus.

I didn’t talk to anybody outside of my suitemates, and my RA never did any events or engagement or anything. The most college-like thing to ever happen to me was when we caught these guys running around and ripping the door tags off every suite on my floor. I went to tell my RA what was happening, and one of the guys came out of the stairwell and was so drunk, just begging me not to get him into trouble. So he was giving his ID to my RA and, at the same time, slurring his words and saying “here but I don’t want to get in trouble though.”

Besides that, I have almost no memory of that entire year. I kept throwing myself into major depressive episodes because I had nothing to do. Sometimes we would go get the free stuff from a random event being held around campus, bring it back to our suite to do the activity or eat the snack and have 10 minutes of serotonin, and then it was back to doing absolutely nothing.

It didn’t get easier. Honestly, it actually got worse. If I listen to a playlist now that I made last winter, I can still feel what it’s like to be back there. It was cold all the time, because my furnace was broken, and it was sad and boring. I felt like I was wasting away because all I had the energy to do was my classes.

I wanted to avoid the word ‘dissociated,’ but I genuinely have no clue what happened in my life. Usually, my family would get together and have huge parties for every birthday and holiday. Since we couldn’t do that, time was passing by and then suddenly it was Christmas, but I couldn’t even remember if we celebrated Thanksgiving.

My whole college experience right now is just cycling through music obsessions. I listen to one artist over and over and then I switch and I’m onto the next thing. My current hyperfocus is Lemon Demon, which is just a little white guy named Neil but it’s great, it’s pretty cool. That’s the only way I can keep track of what’s going on.

I was very lucky that I was able to get help and get medicated over the summer. I am happier now, and more productive, but life on campus doesn’t feel different. I go to the gym a few times a week, but I grab a machine far away from everyone else. Even in class, I sit in the front now just to be away from people. I couldn’t move to the back or middle of the room if I wanted to, because I am suddenly anxious about stealing someone’s seat. It’s like I’ve forgotten how things work or how to act.

Living with my friends is different now, too. It used to be ‘hey, I’ve got class’ and you shut your bedroom door. Now, it’s ‘hey, I’ve got class’ and you walk out of the house. Even though our days look different, I still have a hard time making it feel real. In my mind, we just started the semester, even though it’s already midterms.

Things that I used to be interested in, like art history and geology, are just sort of mind numbing now after a year of having professors who have no idea how to engage with me online. Rather than talking to us or lecturing, most of my classes were just silent powerpoints and long readings, which made the topics bland.

I don’t think that the university handled our mental health very well, or at all. It was almost impossible to see a counselor, and when I finally got an appointment, she canceled it. Finally, someone gave me the contact information for a psychiatrist so I could get on medication, which was great, until the psychiatrist emailed me and basically said, “I’m quitting, and there aren’t a lot of other psychiatrists in Milwaukee, but good luck.” It was impossible.

Online classes did put a huge bump in the road to taking care of myself, but I lived and I’m fine and I’m not afraid to admit what happened.

I hope that by next year, I will finally find my niche and start making real connections on campus instead of dodging people. I will be happy. I want to feel like I’ve made a proper impact here. I’ve been working at the Mathis Gallery in Mitchell Hall, and we are doing some important work there, so I’m on my way. I also burned up some of the grass in the quad when I accidentally tipped a bonfire over. That black spot on the ground will be there for a while, so, in a way, I’ve already made my mark.